When you just CAN’T

This weekend just gone was a charity football match for 2 amazing small charities in my area..

Helping organise it (volunteer ) was exhausting as always and in the day, far from enjoying it, I kept disappearing ( to the ladies toilets, to have a bit of a sit down and “almost” cry).

There was an afterparty to say thanks to everyone and again, I sat through it.. as friends, family, supporters and guests were up dancing; I was seated, nursing a diet coke.

That day was so hard to do. But I had to be there.

Same as Tuesday evening, a debate on CCTV in care homes. Something I am very passionate about – I had to be there!

Now, its Wednesday morning and its hit me..

I’m in agony, even though I have taken painkillers throughout the night ( carrying on from my usual 8 during the day) and I’m still hurting.

My legs are on fire. My head is thumping, I have terrible indigestion and my stomach is making all sorts of ridiculous noises which means today the Diverticulitis is going to make me pay..

Its bloody awful… why cant I just be normal?

Attend an event or stand up for a few hours, without days of pain and ( yes I said it) depression after?

I am so lucky I had the wherewithal to buy the speech program for my laptop – or my brain would burst too..

I’m laying here, in bed, in pain, feeling very very alone.. I’m so thankful I can write on here..

Getting up, walking, eating, smiling, showering, going out, moving about.

Today (and probably the rest of the week) I JUST CAN’T.

The real versus the mask I wear.


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